


The Scavenger and the Monster Strike up a Romance

by mos



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Crack, Humor, Inappropriate Use of the Force
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-03
Updated: 2016-04-28
Packaged: 2018-05-30 21:56:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 11,489
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6442444
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mos/pseuds/mos
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rey and Kylo Ren fall in love, and everyone else is kinda... perplexed.</p><p>Humorous fic told from everyone else's point of view.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Hux

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HI. So this story came about because sometimes when I'm writing serious scenes (this happens a lot with smut) I get these urges to add in comedic relief. So when that happens, I stick all my hilarious ideas into a separate fic, because I get a good giggle out of most of them. And then I write a lighthearted fic out of all of that. So that's what this is.

Hux was utterly disgusted.

While this was nothing new in itself, the feeling was at its absolute worst, having been compounded by having to risk his own life while the _entire bloody planet collapsed_ and for what? Because Ren couldn't stop himself from chasing his new crush out into the woods.

And there he was, laying in the snow next to a chasm of magma looking like he'd either given up on living or had just had the best sex of his life. Or maybe it was a mix of both. Hux swore he could see smoke rising from the man as he approached. He was disappointed to see that Ren was, in fact, alive, but gleeful as he watched the man struggle to rise and realized that he'd been severely ass-kicked.

Maybe the girl wasn't so bad after all. Hux made a mental note to congratulate her if he ever saw her again.

"Bring him," he ordered the stormtroopers, then strode back to the ship.

Not only had Ren's crush compromised their mission to obtain the map to Skywalker, but it had also led to the entire superweapon being obliterated. His life's work. Ruined. And all because Kylo Ren's brain had suddenly transferred to his dick. Typical Jedi. All calm and control until all that stupidly repressed desire exploded. What Ren needed was a good, decent whore or even a slave or two. Or a neutering. That would fix him.

When Ren was on board, they wasted no time in blasting off. Hux felt the shockwaves from the planet's explosion shake through the ship a few minutes later, momentarily throwing him off balance. Ren rolled across the floor. Scowling down at him, Hux resisted the urge to give him a good, solid kick in the ribs. Or the balls, seeing as how that was what had gotten them into this mess in the first place.

"Get him into a bunk!" Hux snapped at the stormtroopers, following them as they grabbed Ren and hauled him to the crew's quarters at the rear of the ship. He couldn't tell if Ren was completely conscious or not. His eyes would open every so often, but he seemed bewildered. Out of it.

"Should we administer emergency medical treatment, Sir?" one of the stormtroopers asked, once Ren had been deposited into a bunk, his feet hanging off the end.

"No," Hux replied, scowling down at his nemesis. "Let him suffer until we get there."

Hux watched the stormtroopers depart, then spun on his heel and turned back to Ren, who was staring blankly up at the bunk above him, for all intents and purposes looking completely wasted. The girl really had done a number on him.

"Has she got tits made of nova crystals, or was there something else that was so interesting about this girl that was worth destroying the _entire First Order_ for?" Hux said, unable to hide his contempt. "Unbelievable. You get a crush, and my weapon gets annihilated. Fantastic. This is exactly what I mean when I say your personal interests interfere with the mission. We're getting attacked by the Resistance, and what are you doing? Running out into the woods to have a wank with your little girlfriend, that's what!"

Kylo lay silent, his eyes dropping closed. Hux resisted the urge to smack him, opting for continuing his tirade instead, while he still could. If Ren hadn't been so completely wrecked, Hux would have probably found his air supply cut off. He almost wished it would happen just so he had an excuse to inflict further damage on the lovesick moron.

"I cannot wait to hear how you explain this to the Supreme Leader," he continued, pacing back and forth. "You barely know the girl, after all. I can only suppose that she must have made quite an impression on you during interrogation – _are you bleeding all over the floor?_ Gods, you are so dramatic. Trooper! Get in here!"

"Yes, Sir?"

Hux waved a hand in Ren's general direction. "Administer emergency medical treatment. He's fouling my ship."

As he walked out, Kylo Ren's exhausted voice followed him.

"It was _so good_."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can you imagine how pissed Hux was about the whole thing though? hahaha


	2. Luke

The girl was nice enough, but she talked to herself. A lot.

Luke admitted that perhaps he'd judged her too harshly at first, but what else was he to do when she showed up with his twisted nephew's lightsaber? Oh sure, she had an innocent face and pleading eyes, but the moment she'd opened her mouth, Luke knew that those things were just a facade.

"I think I killed your nephew," she'd blurted out, after a very long silence in which Luke was completely disinclined to take the weapon. "We blew up a planet."

Luke had searched the force and found Ben's signature alive and well and he'd frowned at the girl. _They'd blown up a planet?_ Which one? He'd felt more than one through the force, but this was just this sort of thing that had driven him to hermitdom in an unchartered system. No wonder Yoda had almost died instead of telling him who him who his father was. He knew exactly how the old Jedi Master had felt.

"He's alive," he'd replied then. "I can feel it."

"That's what Leia said." Luke didn't like the way the girl's eyes had lit up. For someone who had supposedly killed Ben, she seemed awfully concerned about him. "I can't feel him," she'd added.

And why the hell would she? "Keep the lightsaber," he'd said. "Do you have a name?"

"Rey," she'd replied, and that had been that. It had taken several days for her to convince him to train her. Several days in which she'd asked him several bizarre questions about if and how medicine could dim a person's presence in the force.

"I couldn't feel him before, but I can now," she'd said, as an explanation. "He got hit with a bowcaster."

Who the hell had hit Ben with a bowcaster and why was she so concerned with feeling him through the force? It didn't make much sense, considering they'd only ever met... once? He tried to puzzle this out and failed. He decided that he didn't like this obsession she had with his nephew and had promptly begun dropping facts about Ben's past into their conversations in hopes that it would deter her.

"When he was five, he kicked his classmate and pushed him into mud," he'd told her, one evening over dinner. "Not to mention turning the other padawans to the dark side and lighting my temple on fire."

Rey had gone very quiet, chewing thoughtfully and staring off into the distance as if having some kind of mental conversation with herself. Then, suddenly, she'd snapped back to reality, frowned, and said, "Snoke told him to do those things."

"Are you excusing him?" Luke did not like that at all.

"Of course not."

And that was that. As the days continued, he moved forward with her training cautiously, finding her more and more often staring off into space or muttering to herself. Several times he'd tried to catch what she was saying, but she spoke so low. Only once had he managed to catch a few words, completely by accident when she was supposedly meditating.

_That's an inappropriate use of the force_ was decidedly _not_ what he'd been expecting to hear, and he'd decided then and there that he didn't want to know what she was muttering to herself about. If his nephew was in her head, then there was no way this could end well.

And now here they were. Doing lightsaber training. And she'd just pulled a very Sith-like move.

"What?" she asked, after he stepped back. His concern must have showed on his face.

"Where did you learn that?"

"Nowhere." She responded a little too quickly, sounded a little too innocent.

"Rey, what exactly do you and Ben talk about in your heads?" He couldn't believe he had actually asked such a question, because he wasn't sure he wanted to know the answer.

Her cheeks went red, and then she arranged her face into an expression of completely fake boredom. "Oh, you know," she said lightly. "Stuff."

"What kind of stuff?"

"Well, sometimes he talks about why he does things... but he's easily distracted by talking about things he'd like to do."

Luke narrowed his eyes at her. She stared blandly back. "Rey, that information could be valuable to the Resistance."

Her expression cracked as she snorted, and then giggled, her cheeks bright red. "Oh, it is most definitely _not_ anything his mother wants to hear."

It became astoundingly clear to Luke that Rey was violently in love with his nephew. He sighed.

"Ben once snuck out of his home and broke into the banned section of the archives to read about Darth Vader," he said.

Rey just seemed amused by that.

Luke decided that that was enough training for the day. It was one thing to be able to know if someone was alive and to be able to shout out to them if you were, say, handless and hanging off a spire on the underside of a gas mining city, but it was an entirely different thing to be able to converse with someone, learn Sith tricks from them, and use the force inappropriately, whatever that meant.

The next day, she started talking about spying on the First Order.

"I can infiltrate them," she said.

"Ben once stole a speeder and accidentally crashed it into the retired Senator Binks from Naboo, breaking both his legs."

"I can get in."

"When Ben was seven he found his mother's old slave bikini in storage and put it on."

"Ben says you kissed your twin sister," was Rey's gleeful rebuttal.

Luke promptly decided that he didn't like this game anymore. Where the hell had Ben learned that, anyway? Just how many heads had be been in? The situation was just too weird.

"I need rest," he sighed.

In the morning, she had her bag packed up and was waiting down by the _Millennium Falcon_.

"I have to get back to Jakku," she said, though she sounded a little too happy about it. "See you soon, Master Luke!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the comments on the last chapter!! I've been having a good giggle over some of them and the response absolutely made my day! I hope you like the rest just as much (Hermit Luke is so done with these damned kids and their force shenanigans.)


	3. Anakin and Obi-Wan

"I hate sand," Anakin said with disgust.

"I like it," Obi-Wan replied. He tipped his head toward the two figures approaching each other on the dunes of the Goazon Badlands. "So does she."

"Look at them. He likes her."

"He kidnapped her!" Obi-Wan hissed. "And now look. That is just the sort of thing nobody should do and yet it's the sort of thing that always works out for your family-"

"It's the hair," Anakin cut in smugly.

"What?"

"The hair. They can't resist it."

"My granddaughter is too good to fall for such-"

He fell silent as he watched said granddaughter reach up and run her hands through Kylo's hair, lips curving upward in a smile. Then she threw her arms around his neck and kissed him, and Obi-Wan made a noise of disgust, feeling decidedly disgruntled. Beside him, Anakin was smug.

"At least they're not related," Anakin said casually.

Obi-Wan rolled his eyes. "Yoda and I make one mistake-"

"My children _kissed_ , Obi-Wan. And now my son is a weird old hermit who likes sand."

Obi-Wan narrowed his eyes at the pair before them, now engaged in a heated argument that looked disturbingly close to foreplay.

"You know," he said slowly, "you are awfully self-righteous for being a member of a family that spawns crazed darksiders who run around in masks. If you had just listened to my teachings-"

Anakin snorted. "Says the man who knocked up who he thought was the Queen of Naboo while on a diplomatic mission."

"It's not against the Jedi code," Obi-Wan replied defensively. "Unlike getting married in secret. Sabé and I had a mutual understanding. Does he have to shove his tongue in her mouth like that?"

Anakin just grinned. The pair before them, their argument having been silenced by kissing, now had their hands all over each other as they embraced. That they appeared to like each other very much was an understatement.

"That's my boy," Anakin said proudly.

"This is all your fault."

"You're starting to sound like Threepio, Obi-Wan. Maybe you should pop over there and cockblock them."

"Very funny."

Anakin chuckled, then turned serious again. "This force bond thing. Do you think they can... you know? Through it?"

"Well, I don't think they are using it as the force intended," Obi-Wan replied disapprovingly. Kylo Ren was now squeezing Rey's left butt cheek while staring intently at Rey, and Obi-Wan decidedly did not approve. "What is the world coming to? The Jedi in my day would never have behaved this way."

Anakin cleared his throat loudly. Obi-Wan silently conceded that he had a point, not that Anakin had gone around groping Padmé in public, or not that Obi-Wan had seen, anyway. And maybe Obi-Wan had behaved a little impulsively with Sabé, but he'd been young, and what else were they to do when they were stuck on a broken ship together?

"You think your granddaughter is too good for my grandson," Anakin said casually.

"Well look at him!" Obi-Wan gestured toward the black-robed figure. "He's running around in black robes! She is too good for that. Too innocent."

As they watched, Rey's hand moved under Kylo's robes, doing something that was decidedly _not_ innocent.

"You were saying?" Anakin said smugly.

"That's it. I'm going over there."

"You are not. We agreed to stay out of it."

Obi-Wan grumbled.

"She's pulling him back to the light," Anakin said. "This is good."

"That's not how you're supposed to do it."

"Obi-Wan, you're awfully self-righteous for a man whose son abandoned his child in a junkyard."

"Hence the reason why staying out of it is a bad idea," Obi-Wan replied stubbornly. "We should have interfered a long time ago. For example, you could have talked your grandson out of digging up your remains."

Anakin shrugged. They fell silent again, watching the pair before them, who were still groping each other and doing a lot of staring. And a lot of gasping. Obi-Wan cringed, while Anakin just looked pleased.

"This is disgusting," Obi-Wan said. "I don't think I can watch anymore."

But watch he did as the pair paused to have a silent conversation, their hands still on each other, clearly communicating through the force bond, which Obi-Wan found quite unnerving. Then they took each other's hand and began to walk toward the old AT-AT walker that had been Rey's home here on Jakku.

"Are they going to do it?" Anakin asked, aghast. " _Here?_ Obi-Wan, we need to tell them that it gets _everywhere_."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Your comments so far are killing me! lol everyone hates Jar Jar. :)
> 
> So Anakin and Obi-Wan... I just love the idea of them spending their afterlife arguing with each other like an old married couple. I thought about adding Yoda but figured he'd have noped right out of there and back to the clean world of hermit Luke. :)


	4. Stormtroopers

"She's here!"

The other stormtroopers in RK-1073's unit looked up from the newest First Order holovid they were watching, expressions immediately lit with interest.

"The girl?"

" _The_ girl?"

It was common knowledge around the _Finalizer_ that Kylo Ren had gone on a mission to get the girl –Rey- though why he wanted to after she'd damaged him so thoroughly was one of many points of speculation amongst the troops. The unit that had been assigned to Ren's command shuttle the first time he'd picked up the girl were still gleefully telling whispered tales of it in the mess hall.

_Wouldn't put her down!_ they giggled, while shaking their heads. _Saw it with my own eyes. Sat there with her out cold in his lap the entire time. When GY-7612 offered to take her, Ren force choked him. Didn't he, G?_

And then there were the rampant rumours of just what had gone on in the interrogation room. Poor FN-0963 had had to go through heavy reconditioning after letting the girl go, and whenever anyone pressed him for details, he'd descend into disgruntled silence. This silence, of course, led to all kinds of theories, from violent to downright depraved.

RK-1073 and his unit had had the pleasure of accompanying General Hux to rescue Kylo Ren from the Starkiller Base forest and had seen the damage that the girl had inflicted on their leader. He had been wrecked. Completely. He'd hardly spoken a word the entire journey, just laid on his cot bleeding while Hux had lectured and berated him.

If RK-1073 didn't know any better, he'd have sworn that Ren was suffering from a severe attachment disorder that trooper conditioning called being lovesick.

"Unit 402 was assigned to accompany him on the mission," RK-1073 said. Everyone knew that Unit 402 was an elite unit who sometimes served Leader Snoke himself and would not easily give up information.

"Do you think he cradled her in his lap this time?" RK-1085 asked, and the others giggled.

"Guys!" RK-2175 burst into the room, commlink in hand. "Hux is having a meltdown!"

They all listened intently as he clicked on the commlink, filling the room with the tail end of the rant to end all rants.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" came General Hux's shrill, angry voice. "Get back here, you stupid son of a bitch! You can't just bring a spy on board! Do you not remember what happened the last time you let your cock interfere with the mission? I don't care if she owns a death star and has a vagina made of kyber crystals or whatever the fuck it is you monk virgins go sniffing around for, you will get that desert rat spy off my ship immediately, Ren, or so help me I will-"

There came a crashing sound, and the troopers waited with bated breath for their colleague on the other end to report back.

"Hux has gone to medical with a bloody nose," came the whispered report, a few minutes later.

They had a good snigger over it, and by the time their sleep cycle was over, the news had spread all over the ship. At the mess hall while they received their rations, RK-1073 and his unit learned that not only had the girl come willingly, but that she had walked off the command shuttle wearing Ren's cowl and hood.

"And they shut themselves in his quarters," MT-5100 whispered. "The sani-crew isn't breathing a word about what they've seen."

That started all kinds of rumours, whispered after hours, between shifts, and at the mess hall, spreading speculation through the ship like wildfire.

It was several days later and RK-1073 and RK-1085 were on patrol near the end of their shift when they turned a corner and spotted the pair farther down the hallway. They weren't in a compromising position, not exactly, but Ren was walking toward his quarters with the girl slung over his shoulder, and she was giggling. It took all of two seconds for RK-1073 and RK-1085 to do an about-face and head back they way they'd come.

This, of course, was all over the ship by the end of the next sleep cycle.

"I'm telling you, it was she that had him slung over her shoulder," RK-1073 heard another trooper say to his partner he passed them in the hallway. "And he was loving it."

Hux, of course, caught wind of this (everyone knew he wasn't above gossip himself, even though he pretended he was) and banned the girl from leaving Ren's quarters. Which meant, of course, that there was little gossip to be had after that, because Ren shut himself in with her.

And the damned sani-crew still wouldn't breathe a word.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know y'all wanted to see Hux again... and you just might see him one more time ;)


	5. Phasma

"He needs to be neutered."

Phasma rolled her eyes at the ceiling, disinterested in talking about work and wanting Hux out of her bed and her quarters now that they'd finished satisfying each other. That was the arrangement. A quick fuck if there was nobody else around to take care of their physical urges, and then back to business. Hearing Hux bitch about Ren was not what she had meant by business.

"Are you going to leave or not?" she asked, making no effort to hide her distain.

"Are you not concerned that he brought a spy on board?" he shot back. "It's not like we can discuss this around those gossiping stormtroopers of yours."

She sighed, silently conceding that he had a point. "We are monitoring the girl most diligently."

"You should have heard him arguing with Leader Snoke against launching an offensive against the Resistance. The stupid son of a bitch has had his brains completely fucked out."

What she wouldn't have given for a similar treatment. Unfortunately, Hux was always much too busy for their arrangement to be a daily thing, and there was nobody else suitable. Not that she had a problem with him, as he always made sure she was satisfied, but Hux was best in bed when he was roleplaying. Emperor and slave was his favourite, but others included bounty hunter and smuggler, Sith and apprentice, nerf and herder, and occasionally, asteroid field and ship.

She sighed. Ren had always been prone to going rogue on the First Order and she didn't know why Hux was so surprised at his behaviour. His mother was the leader of the Resistance, for fuck sakes. That he had fixated on a girl he liked and brought her to his room came as no shock to Phasma. Such a thing would never have happened if Hux and Leader Snoke had simply sent him to her for reconditioning upon his arrival. Her troops were infallible.

"Perhaps his knights could reason with him," she offered. Not that anyone but Ren knew where they were. She didn't trust the former Jedi padawans, and neither did Hux, as they weren't allowed on the ship by his own orders.

Hux snorted. "You know he has them tucked away somewhere. Raiding the Outer Rim for Sith artifacts, or killing things, or whatever it is they do."

Rolling her eyes, she turned onto her side to look at him, deciding that if he didn't want her help, then she was no longer interested in listening to him bitch. She really didn't give a shit what Ren did, with or without the girl. "Are we going to have another go, or are you going to leave?"

Turning his head, he glared at her, then reached over and began to touch her. Laying back, she sighed, linking her arms behind her head and closing her eyes. Perhaps there was another way to make Hux come to her more often.

"Do you know how often they do it?" she asked. "According to the sani-crew, at least three or four times a day."

Hux's hand stilled, and she opened her eyes to see him staring at her, aghast. "Three or four times a day? No."

"Yes."

She'd obviously chosen the wrong man for her bed, though for the longest time, rumour had it that Ren was a flaming virgin. Not so anymore, according to Unit 401. And, of course, the sani-crew, whose room detail for Ren now included an absolutely ridiculous number of contraceptive sheaths.

"He hasn't got any furniture," Hux said. "You'd think they'd get bored of the bed."

The sani-crew only delivered items to the door, but according to the few glances they'd gotten inside the room, Ren and his lover had gotten rather creative with the sexcapades, and she told Hux as much.

"That's absurd," Hux said disgustedly.

"My stormtroopers never lie."

She had, after all, trained them, and while they were prone to exaggerating, lying was rare. She let all the information sink in while Hux continued his ministrations, and then made her final move.

"I bet we could beat their number," she said, keeping a bored tone to her voice. Hux's hand paused.

"Really."

"Of course."

"You flatter me, Phasma."

"I most certainly do," she replied. "I think you're more than up to it, General."

He sat up. "Are you up for Emperor and slave?"

"Your Majesty, I am your concubine," she replied, as dramatically as possible. These sorts of games always enhanced Hux's performance. "Take me at your will."

He climbed on top of her, then paused. "Wait. Let's play Jedi and padawan instead."

"Master," she purred, immediately changing characters. "Use the force on me!"

He did, and over his shoulder, Phasma smiled to herself. The man was too easy to manipulate, and now she practically had him at her beck and call, if only for a little while.

She made a mental note to thank Ren later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I AM SO SORRY IT JUST CAME OUT LIKE THIS? Like... I don't ship Phasma/Hux but I could see them as FWB after I was trying to find a private and nonwork place for them to talk so, um... pls don't be grossed out? lol
> 
> Also someone pls appreciate Hux's sex roleplaying favourites because I laughed myself silly over it. You know he is into some kinky shit in bed tho. YOU KNOW IT.


	6. Finn

What. The. Hell...

...was Rey doing holding hands with Kylo freaking Ren?

He squinted. Or was it Kylo Ren? No, that was definitely Kylo Ren, even though he was wearing a blonde wig and... a radar tech uniform?

What. The. Fuck. Finn had little time to consider them as he went to work engaging the First Order troops. Rey's tip had allowed them to evacuate the base, leaving a small unit led by himself to make sure the last handful of supply ships got safely off the planet. He fully expected her to abandon her position as spy and rejoin the Resistance, because really, what the hell had she been thinking, running off on Luke Skywalker like that?

He reminded himself that Rey had kicked Ren's ass once before and that she was more than capable of doing so again, but the whole situation was just too bizarre.

He didn't have time to think more about it, though, because the battle began in earnest.

Sometime later, though, when the crossfire was winding down, he turned to see the Rey on the ground some distance away. As he watched, Ren –definitely wearing a wig- ran forward and threw himself down beside her. Whatever words were exchanged were lost in the noise of battle, but all of a sudden they were... making out?

Holy shit, she had lost her damned mind. _Completely_.

She sat up and Ren was helping her to her feet. Then they were walking-

Finn gaped.

They were walking away from the First Order ships and directly toward him. Both of them.

"Retreat!" he shouted, as the last of the Resistance ships were taking to the air. "Fall back, everyone!"

He fell back, too. After pausing to fire at a group of stormtroopers, he raced back to his own ship, screeching to a halt when Rey and Ren met him there.

"What the hell, Rey?" he demanded, pausing to shoot at the First Order troops again. "You and Kylo Ren?"

"This is Matt," Rey replied.

"Rey, that's Kylo freaking Ren."

"No time to explain," Rey replied. "Get in the ship, Matt."

Finn stared at Rey, and then looked at Ren, or Matt, or whatever he was calling himself, and decided that his mother would probably love to have a word with him. "Yeah, get in the ship, _Matt_."

Ren gave him a long stare. Something exploded at their feet, and collectively they raced into the cargo ship.

The pilot's mouth dropped open when he saw Finn's companions. "Is that-"

"This is Matt," Rey cut in loudly.

"That's not-"

"You'll take us out of here," Ren said, waving a hand.

"I'll take us out of here," the pilot replied.

The ship lifted off. Finn stared at the pair before him. Ren gave him another long stare and then turned and walked away. Finn turned to Rey, now fully convinced that she was insane. How should one talk to a crazy person? Carefully, he decided, and then promptly fucked that up.

"Rey, rumour has it that he keeps dead people in his bedroom."

"Oh, I put a stop to _that_."

She sounded shockingly lucid. He tried again. "He mind tricked the pilot."

Rey raised her eyebrows and said nothing. She was nuts.

"Why the hell is Kylo Ren wearing a wig?"

"Kylo Ren," Rey replied pointedly, "is in bed with the flu. Matt is secretly escaping the First Order."

Finn snorted. "Did you stuff pillows under his blankets, too?"

Rey just looked at him. Definitely batshit insane. Definitely.

Throwing up his hands, he walked away, deciding that he'd better radio ahead and tell everyone that he had a lunatic and the worst disguised spy ever on board. When they landed at the new Resistance base, the pair were promptly surrounded, and the General herself came marching over with Chewbacca behind her. The General was terrifying when she was pissed, and Finn edged over to conceal himself behind the Wookiee.

Poe was there, still in his uniform. "What's going on?"

"I wanna go back to Jakku," Finn sighed, watching the scene before him. Leia stopped in front of her son, hands planted on her hips.

"Ben Chewbacca Organa Skywalker Solo!" she roared.

"This is Matt," Rey said. Finn rolled his eyes. Totally insane. Totally.

"Oh, Matt is it, now?" Leia snapped, reaching up and grabbing hold of Ben-Kylo-Matt's ear and hauling him towards the nearest building, while Ren yelped in pain as he stumbled along behind. "Well, Matt, you are in deep shit. Turning the padawans, helping to build a superweapon, killing your father, and now seducing this innocent young woman-"

"She seduced me!" Ren hollered. "Ow! Mom!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hoppin' on over to the Resistance now... I had a bit of trouble with this chapter so I hope it's okay. 
> 
> And I will have a Leia chapter but it'll be the final one. :)


	7. Threepio

"Prin- General. I am a Protocol Droid. Supervision is not in my programming."

"Threepio, you follow people around all the time," Princess Leia replied. "It's just for a few days while I go and get Luke."

Threepio assessed this statement and found the revision acceptable. "Of course, your Highness."

"Good."

Threepio departed, going in search of Master Ben, who after several days of being shut in with his mother and some of the other leaders was now allowed to move freely about the base. Threepio had been most pleased to see him return, though his analysis of the situation said there was still some tension between Master Ben and his mother, and he was most pleased to alleviate it in any way he could. After all, he had supervised Master Ben before, though he'd been a toddler then, and doing so now would be much more difficult. Threepio vowed to fulfill his duty as best he could.

He ran into Artoo and Chewie out by the _Millennium Falcon_ , preparing to leave to fetch Master Luke.

"I am looking for Master Ben," he said.

_Haven't seen him_ , was Chewie's reply.

_He's out by the fucking pond_ , was Artoo's.

"Excellent," Threepio replied, heading off.

_Don't fucking cockblock him_ , Artoo warbled after him.

"Oh, be quiet, you overgrown waste container," Threepio replied. "Your circuits are rusty."

_Dumbass_ , was Artoo's reply.

"How rude!"

As he approached the pond several minutes later, he spotted Master Ben sparring with Miss Rey on the grassy area alongside the water, practising their lightsaber forms. As he walked over, they clashed and then spun away from each other, and by the time he reached them they had disengaged their weapons and were staring at each other. It was an unusual human behaviour that most of the time meant aggression, and he dutifully inserted himself between them.

"Hello, Master Ben!" he said. "I bet you don't recognize me. I am C-3PO, human-cyborg relations."

Master Ben scowled at him most severely. Realizing he was being rude, he turned around to greet Miss Rey as well. She, too, looked impatient.

"My apologies," he said, looking from one to the other and wondering if he'd read things wrong. "I am to accompany you, Master Ben."

"Accompany me where?" Master Ben demanded.

"Everywhere, sir."

There was a most undignified snort from Miss Rey.

"Says who?" Master Ben asked, Threepio now reading anger in his tone.

"Prin- General Leia, sir."

The two humans exchanged a look, and then promptly walked away. Threepio dutifully followed, though he never had been able to keep up with humans easily.

"Wait for me!" he called.

"No!" was the vehement reply.

He lost sight of them as they hurried off toward the base. This was just like when Master Ben was a toddler, only worse, because he wasn't confined to a nursery.

Thus began a most trying effort at fulfilling his duty. With Artoo gone with Chewie and Princess Leia, Threepio enlisted BB-8 to help him track Master Ben and Miss Rey. They found the pair out behind the hangar later that afternoon, embracing. Threepio had seen human kissing before and knew from experience that they did not like being interrupted. He apologized, noting the displeasure in their facial expressions.

Then he followed them back to their quarters inside the bunker and dutifully positioned himself outside the door.

"What are you doing?" Master Finn asked, passing by sometime later.

"I am to accompany Master Ben under orders from General Leia."

Finn started laughing and walked away.

"How rude," Threepio muttered to himself.

He powered down overnight, and in the morning found the chamber deserted. Thus began another day of tracking down Master Ben, who was undoubtedly with Miss Rey. BB-8 informed him, several hours of searching later, that he'd spotted the pair out in the woods beyond the pond, and Threepio immediately set off. They were embracing again, though front to back this time, and he wondered briefly if they were in distress, as Miss Rey was pressed quite close to a tree, and Master Ben was very close behind her, holding her very tightly and possibly biting her neck.

"Hello!" he called, waving his hand. "Master Ben!"

The pair jumped and immediately moved apart, turning away to fumble with their clothing. It occurred to him then that perhaps they had been engaged in mating, though his programming was deficient on human coitus positioning.

"Oh dear," he said to himself.

Laughter reached his circuits. They were running away from him now, hand in hand, heading deeper into the woods. Muttering to himself, Threepio followed. He wished Artoo were here.

"Wait for me!" he called.

"Go away!" was the reply. There was more laughter.

He pursued them into the woods and promptly lost them, then lost himself. Darkness fell, and he wandered around in the dark, attacked by a small mammalian creature at one point, and his lenses became distorted with insect webbing.

"Hello!" he shouted, as the sun came up. "Help! Artoo! Oh, help!"

BB-8 found him around midday and led him out. Princess Leia was waiting outside the _Millennium Falcon_ with Master Luke, Artoo, Chewie, Master Ben, and Miss Rey.

"Master Luke, it is so good to see you!" Threepio said, then turned to Princess Leia. "General. My sincerest apologies. I have done my absolute best to fulfill my duties, but I'm afraid I became lost in the forest in doing so."

"Is that so?" Leia looked at Master Ben, disapproval and amusement in her expression.

Master Ben smiled, and then winked at Threepio. The entire family moved off, with Artoo and Threepio trailing behind.

_Told you not to fucking cockblock them_ , Artoo said.

"That word is not in my database, you bucket of bolts."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mama Leia's gotta be pissed to sic Threepio on her horny son. U GOT OFF EASY BEN, AMIRITE?
> 
> Has anyone else always pictured Artoo dropping f-bombs everywhere? I've always headcanoned him that way! :P


	8. Dr. Kalonia

Dr. Kalonia was an exceptionally strong-minded woman, a fact which she was very good at hiding. With a kind, patient bedside manner and sympathetic smile, hardly anyone suspected that the mind behind was as sharp as a Ryyk blade and highly observant. Nothing escaped her notice.

She was, after all, an army major, and it wouldn't do to have that rank and not have the skills to go along with it.

And so it was that late one night, she sat going over patient records on her datapad when approaching footsteps caught her attention. Noting them, she kept her eyes on the screen, reading as she listened to them enter the medical bay. Only then did her eyes flick up, and as the footsteps moved slowly toward the medication storage, she rose and left the office nook, expecting to see one of the officers looking for hallucinogens, but instead seeing a dark-clad figure bent and examining the various shelves of items.

Her eyebrows rose. Ben Solo –or Kylo Ren, or Matt, if that was still what he was calling himself- was the last person she'd expected to see. Like everyone else on the base, she was still suspicious of him. Sure, he was the General's son and had apparently abandoned the First Order, but she didn't trust him.

She cleared her throat. "May I help you?"

The tall figure rose and spun to face her, his expression very much like that of a toddler with his hand caught in a candy jar. She'd never thought that General Organa's son would be the type to do drugs, though she should have, considering the whole dark side First Order thing and all.

His eyes darted left, and then right. She noted, with some interest, that his clothing was dishevelled, not quite as put together as it normally was. Not that it was his clothing anyway, as he'd arrived in a green jumpsuit. Definitely after hallucinogens, she decided. Or painkillers. His mother was going to be furious.

Abruptly, he straightened, extending a hand and then waving it. "You'll give me some contraceptive sheaths and then go back to your office."

Contraceptive sheaths? Well that was unexpected. He stared at her as his intention became clear. She knew a Jedi mind trick when she saw one, having seen his mother do it on several occasions. Her own mind was much too strong to fall prey to such a thing, but for the sake of the boy, she decided to play along anyway.

"I'll give you some contraceptive sheaths and then go back to my office," she intoned, in exactly the manner she'd seen those that had been tricked by the General. Then she walked over to the drug cabinet, unlocked it, and grabbed a handful from the container. How many did the boy want? Ten, she decided, approximating the amount in her hand. That should hold him for awhile.

Dutifully, she relocked the cupboard and then handed over the consheaths, feigning a bland expression as she did. Then she turned and walked back to her office, waiting until Ben had disappeared before allowing a giggle to escape. But of course it had to be the Kenobi girl he was seeing. The pair were inseparable, spending their days training together and occasionally arguing so loudly that the entire base could hear it. She'd never seen them kiss or show much affection in public, but they did stare at each other. A lot.

At least they were being safe. War was no time to be getting knocked up, not that that had stopped Ben's parents and grandparents from running into that problem. She wondered why Ben had bothered to come down to the medical bay at all, though, because hadn't she stocked the refresher next to the mess hall with plenty of consheaths?

Making a note to check, she did exactly that the following evening, only to discover that the supply had been completely diminished. There must have been fifty that she'd stocked there two weeks ago, and rarely did they deplete so quickly, as most people had contraceptive implants and didn't bother with them. If they were going through THAT many... well, maybe it was time to stop playing along with his mind tricks and tell him to get an implant before they depleted the base's entire stock.

She figured she had time to think about how to approach such a subject, but she was both surprised and appalled (and maybe a little impressed?) when Ben showed up four nights later. Not that she'd counted exactly, but how had they gone through as many as sixty of the things in just two and a half weeks? When did they find the time?

Ben waved his hand. "You'll give me some consheaths and then go back to your office."

Dr. Kalonia rolled her eyes and sighed. "Ben," she said firmly. "If you need that many, please allow me to give you an implant."

His eyes widened in shock. "You'll give me the consheaths and then go back to your office," he said again, waving his hand a little frantically.

When she raised her eyebrows in response, his cheeks flushed bright red.

"They're for a friend," he stuttered. He cleared his throat and looked her in the eye, his voice firmer this time. "They're for a friend."

"Well then tell your friend to come down and get an implant."

"My friend doesn't like injections."

"Well if this _friend_ has no qualms about getting his face slashed up by a lightsaber and if I'm hearing the rumours correctly, pounding his fist on his own bowcaster wound –oh don't look at me like that, everyone's heard it- then he should have no issues with sucking it up and getting an implant injected into his arm."

Ben stared at her. She stared back.

"It's either that or I run out and have to put in an order for more, and that could take weeks," she said. "But I suppose you could do a few weeks without?"

Again, the young man's face flushed red. "It's not all _me_ ," he muttered.

She walked to the cupboard and pulled out one consheath, returning to hand it to him. "Bring the girl to me in the morning."

Ben looked down at the prophylactic in her hand, then back at her. "She'll have to get an injection."

"Ben," she said impatiently. "Obviously."

After another beat, he grabbed his sleeve and yanked it back, exposing his arm. "Do it. She hurts, I hurt."

She thought that was adorably noble of him. He turned his head away when she inserted the implant, grimacing the entire time. He kept his word, though, and brought the girl in the morning. She chatted amicably through the whole thing, completely unaffected, but strangely enough, he again grimaced, even though it wasn't him and he wasn't even looking.

"See? That wasn't so bad," she said to them afterward. He was cradling his arm like it had been mauled by a Wookiee.

"It was awful," he replied. "Both times."

"Thank you, doctor," Rey said happily.

They took each other's hand as they walked off together. Dr. Kalonia watched them go, unable to hold back a smile, because they were quite the cutest couple she'd ever seen, even if they were a little strange.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eyyy thanks everyone for over 5000 hits! That's a big milestone for me and I'm tickled that you love my story so much. Thank you! <3
> 
> This chapter was actually the first one I wrote, and was inspired by the smutty chapter of my other story when I was thinking about the contraception side of things and was like "but what if Kylo had to run down to the med bay and steal condoms?"


	9. Poe

"Be cool, be cool," Poe muttered to himself, straightening his shoulders and striding toward the dark-haired man who was up on a ladder, working on the _Falcon_. Probably preparing for the mission tomorrow.

Ben –or Kylo, or Matt, or whatever he was calling himself these days- glanced down at him as he stopped below. They'd barely spoken since his arrival, and while Poe had it on good authority that Ben was a changed man, _so how have you been since you tortured me_ wasn't a good ice breaker, and Poe wracked his brain for something less adversarial.

"Nice ship," he said instead, but it came out like he was complimenting the guy's ass. Not that Ben didn't have a nice ass. In fact, he had a fantastic ass, and Poe was jealous that the guy seemed to have found the only pair of black leather pants on the entire base.

Ben glanced down at him suspiciously. "Thanks," he said, after a moment of silence. "Have you flown it?"

"No, but I would _love_ to."

God, why did it have to sound like he was asking for a date? This kind of awkwardness was exactly why he needed Ben's help in the first place.

"She's fast," Ben replied. "It's the ship that made the Kessel run in twelve parsecs."

Twelve parsecs? Damn. Poe bit his lip, eyeing the ship hungrily for a moment before remembering his purpose.

"Nice," he said. "So I saw you training in the yard with Finn the other day."

There. That sounded a lot better than _I missed an entire strategy meeting because I was watching you two out the window_. They'd taken their shirts off toward the end. Poe had been in heaven.

"Yes." The suspicious look was back.

"So, you know. You and Rey are pretty good together. How'd that happen? You sweet talk her or what?"

That was good too. Casual. Genuine. Ben and Rey really were cute together. Everyone thought so, and after seeing the way they were so caught up in each other, Poe even found himself a little jealous of their relationship. That was why he'd come to Ben. Surely a man who was that adorable with his girlfriend had a trick or two.

Ben, tools in hand, was looking down at him like he'd grown two heads. "Are you asking me for girl advice?"

He was right. Better to just cut to the chase. "Sort of. Guy advice, actually."

Ben's frown deepened. "I'm not interested."

Poe felt his face flush, and he bumbled over correcting himself. "Oh no, not you. I know it sounded like that when I was complimenting your ship, but I was actually just complimenting your ship. Your actual ship, not your... mast. Not that I've seen your mast. I mean I'm sure it's nice because you're hot and all, but, um... Finn. It's Finn."

"I see. You want me to give you dating advice for Finn."

"That's what I was getting at, yes."

The frown on Ben's face faded, replaced by amusement. He went back to working on the ship. "You should really ask Rey."

"I thought about that," Poe replied, "but I figured you won her over, so you'd be the one to ask."

Ben didn't look at him when he spoke. "Rey filled my mind with light, and I couldn't bear to fill hers with darkness. So I gave in. You really should ask her."

Damn. The man had a way with words. Poe felt his face grow hot again, his eyes already wandering to Ben's ass in those black leather pants and the way his back muscles strained under his dark grey shirt. And his arms... the muscles flexing as he worked, and his hands so deft and large. His mouth went dry. He was not developing a crush on Ben Solo. He was _not_.

Rey was one lucky woman. He left it at that.

"And of course it turned out that we had mutual interests," Ben continued. "That subject rapidly got out of control."

"What kind of mutual interests?"

"Sex."

Poe nodded, putting on a good show of pretending that he wasn't turned on by the way that word rolled off of Ben's lips. He wondered how it would sound coming from Finn's.

"I see," he said.

Ben went back to work, the amused half-smile back. "I would suggest that you somehow discover whether you share some kind of interest, or simply tell him your feelings. I prefer to be blunt, myself."

"Blunt. Gotcha." Poe let out a breath. He was so not good at this sort of thing, and telling Finn how he felt was daunting. "Actually, the reason I came to you was because, well, you know we're all going off on this mission tomorrow and could die, and, ah, I wanted to make the most of tonight and I kind of have trouble with that sort of blunt and feelings... thing."

Ben looked at him again. "So?"

"So I want you to do a Jedi mind trick on me."

"You want me to... what?"

"See, I knew you had to be smooth to have won over Rey, and Rey would never agree to this, and I've tried so many times to say something to Finn, and I just can't. So I thought you could mind trick me and make me do it."

Ben looked at him like he was nuts. "No."

"Come on." Poe tried not to sound like he was desperate, but he was. "You owe me."

"This is hardly the way to make reparations for a torture."

"I disagree."

"It's an inappropriate use of the force."

"Like you've never used the force inappropriately before?"

Ben looked at him for a long moment. "Fine."

He waved a hand and gave instructions, and Poe's mind became blank and robotic. He turned and walked across the base, finding Finn training with Rey out by the pond. Poe walked right between their duel and up to Finn, who looked puzzled and a little concerned.

"What's up?" he asked, putting out his lightsaber.

"I want to fill your ass with light," Poe said.

The trance ended, and Poe's mind became confused and hazy. Finn's mouth dropped open ever so slightly, and Poe abruptly froze in terror, unable to recall what he'd just said, but left with a distinct impression that it was a bastardization of bluntness and romance. His heart began to pound, his face growing hot. For a long moment, neither of them moved.

And then Finn flung the lightsaber aside into the grass and grabbed Poe by the front of the shirt, yanking him forward. "I thought you'd never make a move," he said, and kissed him.

Behind him, Poe was dimly aware of laughter coming from Rey. When the kiss ended, they turned to see her doubled over.

"I'm sorry!" she gasped. "I'm going to kill him."

"Don't you dare," Finn said, and put an arm around Poe's waist.

They set off toward the base.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kylo you lil shit.
> 
> I headcanon Poe as being super confident at everything except dating, where he is this totally awkward lip-biting, long awkward silences kind of guy. 
> 
> Three more chapters to go, guys! :-)


	10. Mitaka

Everything had gone to hell, and Mitaka couldn't be happier.

He strode onto the bridge, tripping over his new clothes, the few officers that were left on the _Finalizer_ casting him curious glances. He lifted his chin and pretended that he wasn't slightly drunk. So what if he'd gotten into the alcohol rations? It wasn't like there was anyone left to use them up.

"What is it?" he asked.

"A ship just landed in Hangar One, sir," one of the officers said.

"And nobody tried to stop it?"

"Nobody's left to man the weapons, sir."

He couldn't argue with that. The officer looked at him. Mitaka looked silently back at him. And that was that, until Kylo Ren walked onto the bridge.

Mitaka nearly peed himself in fright. Kylo Ren stopped in his tracks. For a moment, everything was dead silent.

"Why are you wearing my robes?" Ren asked.

Mitaka's words stuck in his throat, and he felt his face grow hot. Should he strip? He was going to strip, and then run away in his underwear, if need be. It would have been a good plan if he wasn't rooted to the spot in terror and mortification.

Ren's eyes swept around the near-empty room, while the other officers cowered in fear. "Hux is not aboard?"

That he could answer. "No. He and Captain Phasma left, sir."

Ren's terrifying gaze landed on him again. "Is that so?"

His tone seemed to say that he was already privy to this information. Mitaka did not like that one bit. What else did Ren know?

"Yes. To get married, sir," he replied, trying to sound nonchalant, like it was completely normal for your superior officer to propose to his coworker on the bridge halfway through second shift and then run off with her in one of the shuttles. Totally normal. Happened every day.

"And he hasn't returned?"

"No, sir. They've been gone quite some time."

He swore that Ren smirked as he turned away. Did he know that it was totally Mitaka's fault that everything had gone to hell? Oh gods, what if he knew?

It had all begun with a simple question: _What girl?_ Mitaka had been mildly intrigued until the actual girl had been brought into Starkiller Base, cradled in Ren's arms. It was so adorable and romantic that he found that he couldn't stop thinking about it. He'd eaten up the gossip about what had happened in the forest after her escape, and when Ren had brought the girl back again, willingly this time, Mitaka had been beside himself with joy.

He couldn't help it. They were so adorable together. Perfect for each other in every way. And obviously so in love.

After they'd left, he'd been disappointed, and to cheer himself up he'd written a story about them (he couldn't help himself) on his personal datapad, but unfortunately one of the stormtroopers had gotten hold of it and it had been passed around the ship as factual gossip. Actually, he was a bit proud of that.

But then Hux had seen it, lost his mind, called in the Knights of Ren, and then... well, Mitaka wasn't sure what had happened, exactly, but it had ended with Hux eloping with Captain Phasma, and Mitaka was sure that it was all his fault.

And then everyone had abandoned ship, because their superior officers obviously weren't coming back, and everyone was too terrified to contact the Supreme Leader. How long had it been now? Days? Weeks?

Ren had turned to stare at him again, as if waiting for an explanation. Mitaka had no intention of giving him one. He felt really stupid about the robes now, though, and grabbed his belt, prepared to strip naked right there.

But footsteps came from down the hall, and a moment later _she_ appeared. Mitaka's breath caught in his throat as she moved to Ren's side. Their arms brushed against each other. And then suddenly they were holding hands. She rose to her tiptoes to murmur something in his ear, and Mitaka bit back the urge to sigh in delight.

Gods, maybe they'd kiss. He wouldn't be able to contain himself if they did.

Ren nodded, and then finally, Rey turned and looked at Mitaka. "Why are you wearing Ben's clothes?" she asked.

She looked so pretty with that amused smile on her face. He just about melted. The two of them would have beautiful children. Gods, he hoped they'd get married and have babies. Two of them. A boy and a girl. Maybe twins.

"I can strip for you, if you like," he blurted.

He was rewarded with a grin. She winked at him as she turned away. His heart sang.

"Can you fly this thing?" Ren asked Rey. They reached out to touch each other, like they couldn't help it.

Rey gave Ren a smile that made Mitaka's heart skip a beat. "Lover, I can fly anything."

Mitaka didn't even care that they were stealing the First Order's only Resurgent-class Star Destroyer. He was rooted to the spot, transfixed by his favourite couple, watching how they sometimes moved in unison even though they weren't near each other, how they barely spoke but seemed to be so in tune with each other nonetheless.

Ren glanced at him, then pressed a button to make a ship-wide announcement. "This is Kylo Ren. Any crew left on board please begin standard evacuation procedures, or face death."

His commanding voice gave Mitaka chills. Ren repeated the message, then triggered a silent alarm that would cause the emergency alert systems to activate all over the ship. The other officers, who had been watching in silent terror, leapt to their feet and ran out.

"I suggest you evacuate," Ren said, without looking at him. He was tapping away at one of the consoles, while Rey darted about, joyfully readying the ship for hyperspace.

There was nothing in that moment that could have made Mitaka leave. Not when they were here. He cleared his throat, hoping that he wouldn't earn himself a force choking. "I'd like to stay with you, sir."

"We are taking this ship and crashing it into Snoke's command post," Ren replied.

"Like... boom?"

"Big boom," Rey called.

"We need a large explosion, and unfortunately there are no death stars at hand," Ren said.

Mitaka looked at him. Ren looked pointedly back at him. Mitaka took a deep breath. "You may need a babysitter."

"I beg your pardon?"

"Definitely not!" Rey sang, still darting about.

"I apologize," Mitaka backtracked, convinced that at any moment he'd feel an invisible hand around his throat. "I have been drinking."

"Obviously," Ren said, pointedly looking at the robes that Mitaka was wearing.

"I will help."

"No."

"Oh, let him help," Rey called. "He's adorable."

She'd called him adorable. Mitaka teared up.

Ren eyed him suspiciously for a long, terrifying moment, and then nodded. Mitaka, thrilled to be a part of the power couple's team, moved to Rey's side to help her ready the ship. They were happily pushing buttons and pulling levers when Ren's voice cut in.

"What is this?"

Mitaka turned to see him frowning down at a datapad. His own personal datapad, which contained-

He gasped, but when he leapt forward to snatch it out of Ren's hands, tripping over the damned robes in the process, he found himself in a force stasis. Being frozen to the spot, however, did not stop his cheeks from reddening as Ren began to read aloud.

" _Rey's fingers wove into Kylo Ren's majestic, luxurious locks as his mouth latched onto her nipple_ –WHAT THE FUCK, MITAKA?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fangirl Mitaka, anyone? I don't know if I really like this chapter? But someone will! :D
> 
> Once again, thank you for all the hilarious comments. I'm glad you liked Kylo the lil shit's pickup line in the last chapter. I admit I'm a little proud of that one. ;)


	11. Snoke

"Why solve the problem when you can obliterate the problem?"

Snoke sat back, chewing over Leia's words and finally admitting to himself that he'd fucked up. All these years, and Ben Solo was never the Skywalker he should have corrupted. He should have corrupted Leia instead, because she was ruthless when she was pissed.

He hit the communications transmitter again. "I am not the problem."

"Sorry, I can't understand you. Maybe if you removed your head from that Sarlaac ass of yours."

He growled, seething. He couldn't believe that it had come to this. He couldn't even invade Kylo Ren's mind anymore, because it was disgusting. Love and sex and light, all of it. Vile. It made him want to vomit.

He'd been debating about what to do after Hux's radio silence, but then the entirety of the Resistance fleet had arrived and surrounded his command post. The small guard he had with him was all but useless against their firepower. He could sense Leia's presence even before she'd contacted him to inform him that he was going to die.

Actually, her exact words had been _You're about to go back to where you came from to get re-fucked, you pasty-faced piece of shit._

He'd decided then that maybe he was ready to die, because aside from all of his current problems, he'd had enough whining. Whining from Hux and Ren, whining about the girl. That bloody girl.

He should have just _gotten_ Ren a girl. Ten girls. Fifty girls.

He hit the transmitter again. "I would like to speak with him."

"Who?" Leia was playing dumb and they both knew it.

"Kylo Ren," he replied testily.

"There is no Kylo Ren," was her cool reply.

"Your son," he snapped back.

There was a long pause, and then, with conviction: "You're not getting anywhere near my son."

He tried again. "Tell him I will give him a hundred concubines."

"No," she snapped.

"Yes."

"Go suck a Hutt's ass, Snoke."

He slammed the transmitter button. "If you bring him back, I will give you another son. There are ways, and I would be more than willing to lend my assistance."

"You going to wank that shrivelled dick in a lab for me, Snoke? How romantic. Does your species even have a cock?"

Anger flared within him. He really had made a mistake with Leia. Vader's daughter. He'd thought her uncorruptable like her brother –her home planet and entire family had, after all, been exterminated, and that still wasn't enough to turn her- but clearly he should have investigated further. Perhaps, though, it wasn't too late.

"I have a fantastically large appendage," he replied.

"Are you going to throw your panties at me, Snoke?"

He didn't know what he'd expected. He'd have been safer poking a Rancor in the eye with a stick than dealing with her.

"You are wonderfully vindictive."

"Tell me more."

"I think you have great potential, Leia," he replied silkily.

"Want to know a secret?" she asked.

"Very well."

"I don't care."

For several minutes, he sat in fury, enraged that the situation was so out of hand. His most promising apprentice had fallen to the light side, the First Order was in shambles, the Resistance fleet had surrounded him, and neither Hux, nor Phasma, nor even the bloody Knights of Ren were to be found. Where the hell was Hux, anyway? There was something here that he was missing.

"Would you like to know another secret?" came Leia's voice, again. He thought he detected smugness in her voice this time.

"Very well," he replied testily. She was trying his patience.

"I went to fetch Luke not too long ago, and we made a little side trip to chat with the Knights of Ren on the way back. Ben told us where they were, and you know they were Luke's pupils at one time. Then a funny thing happened while we were there. Hux summoned them, and they did a little work for us while they were on the _Finalizer_. Nice ship, by the way, but if you ask me, anyone who needs a vessel that size has some serious compensation issues."

Snoke did not like where this conversation was going. "So you had my commanding officers murdered. I approve."

"Please," she snorted. "We seized an opportunity, that's all. The ship was apparently in an uproar about something or other, and Hux and Phasma lost their damned minds and flew off into the sunset together."

"They didn't." Snoke was outraged.

"They did. I hear he got on one knee and asked her to be the Empress to his slave."

Snoke wanted to barf.

"I admit it was unexpected, but perfect timing. A Jedi mind trick here, a Jedi mind trick there, and the Knights sent most of the other senior officers on vacation to the Outer Rim. I hear Nal Hutta's lovely."

Nal Hutta? Snoke was pissed. They'd be stuck there until someone rescued them, but of course Leia knew that. She was completely evil. She'd tucked his senior officers away just as easily as murdering them, and who knew what she and those damned Knights had done to the rest of the crew. As for the _Finalizer_ itself...

"Where is my ship?" he demanded.

There was a bit of static now as her voice came through, cheerful this time. "Oh, I had Ben bring it for you. Look out your window."

He turned his head to look out the viewing window. And saw the _Finalizer_ coming directly toward him. The _Millennium Falcon_ was speeding away from its main hangar bay.

"See you in hell, you spindly-legged son of a bitch," came Leia's voice, laced with venom, as the _Finalizer_ crashed into Snoke's station.

Should have just gotten him a girl...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more chapter to go, guys! Shoutout to whoever it was who asked me if I was going to do a Snoke chapter, cuz I wasn't but then that got me thinking about it, and I think this might be one of my favourites! 
> 
> Resistance: We need a distraction until Ben shows up with the ship.  
> Leia: ON IT  
> Leia: *gets on transmitter*  
> Leia: HEY YOU GIANT PILE OF BANTHA CRAP, GUESS WHO'S GONNA DIE TODAY  
> Resistance: *muffled giggling in background*
> 
> Who needs Slave Leia when you can have SLAY LEIA?


	12. Leia

The party to celebrate the fall of Snoke was in full swing, and Leia was sure that Ben looked different. There was a tension gone from his shoulders, a shadow gone from his eyes, like something had lifted. The evil that had haunted him was gone.

He was smiling, but he was still so serious and a little awkward, lingering by Rey, every so often reaching out and touching her: a hand on the back, a grazing of the elbow, a touch to the shoulder. She'd return the gestures as well, almost as an afterthought, the whole interaction playing out like they were silently reassuring each other that they were still there.

"Grandbabies," Leia whispered to herself.

"What?" Poe asked. She hadn't realized that he was standing next to her.

She cleared her throat, giving him a pleasant smile. "Fifty credits, is what I said. Pay up."

"No fair," he complained, reaching into his pocket and pulling out the required amount. "I've never seen the guy smile until now. Smirk, yes. Look amused, yes. Never a full on smile with teeth."

"You might as well give me the other fifty as well," she told him.

"No way." Poe tucked his billfold away again. "There's no way he's dancing."

"He'll dance," Leia said confidently, turning to watch her son. "She wants to dance, so he'll do it."

Poe grumbled something about unfair bets and moved off. Spotting Luke at the edge of the crowd with Artoo and Threepio, Leia walked over to him.

"I hope you're going to give them their own wing," she told Luke, elbowing him as she sidled up next to him.

"What?" he replied.

"Look at them. Can't keep their hands off each other. Better give them a wing away from everyone."

"You're terrible."

Luke wasn't sure yet where he was going to re-establish the Jedi Order, but Ben and Rey were going to help him select a suitable place and planet. Leia was hoping for somewhere green and mountainous, because she was going to retire there whenever it happened that her grandbabies were born.

She watched as Ben now bent to say something into Rey's ear that had her smiling. He stood behind her, hands gently rubbing up and down her upper arms, and something in his posture put Leia in mind of Han. It made her smile and feel sad all at once.

"Look at them," she told Luke. "The first time I saw her, when she walked off the _Falcon_ , I said to myself, that girl has been in my son's head and I'll be damned if she doesn't get in his pants as well."

"And who lost that bet?" Luke asked.

"Me, actually."

She'd been concerned when Han had relayed the story of seeing Ben carrying Rey into the ship, but surprisingly, Han had laughed it off.

_"The kid ran off and joined a gang and now he's abducting girls," she'd argued. "This doesn't concern you a little?"_

_"Nah, he likes her," Han had replied confidently, with that annoying smirk of his._

_"Han, abduction is no way to get grandbabies."_

_"Come on, Leia. He knows how to treat a lady. He_ is _my son, after all."_

_"That's exactly what I'm afraid of."_

_"I bet you a hundred credits that he likes her._ Likes _her likes her."_

_"You're on, hotshot."_

Leia thought about that hundred credits a lot. Han would have gloated about it for days.

"Who'd you lose to?" Luke asked.

"Han," she replied. "Where'd they go?"

She'd lost sight of them for a minute, and Ben and Rey had disappeared. That wouldn't do at all. She looked around, and using the force to guide her, turned and headed for the nearest dark corner. Sure enough, they were there in the darkness around the side of the nearest building. Leia could just barely make out the silhouette of them embracing, and as she moved closer, their conversation reached her ears.

"Get over here and feel my light," Rey was giggling. "I need you to put your force in me, Ben."

"Gods, Rey, I love you so much I can hardly stand it." Ben's voice was ragged, and Leia was thankful that she couldn't see where their hands were. "Don't send me visions like that-"

More giggling from Rey. "Why not? Maybe I should make you come apart without even touching you. As payback-"

Leia cleared her throat loudly. The pair jumped, turning as one to blink guiltily at her in the dark.

"Mom," Ben croaked. "Ah... what's going on?"

"I'm going to need you to keep it in your pants awhile longer and come back to the party."

"Mom, come on."

"Ben, I have four hundred credits riding on you dancing, so you'd better get your ass back out there and dance."

"Leia!" Rey exclaimed. "You're cheating!"

"I don't want to go back out," Ben said. "Mitaka writes dirty stories about us. It's weird."

"And if you don't come back, I'll tell him everything I just overheard."

"Come on, Ben, give your mother a break," Rey said to Ben, then turned back to Leia. "Do I get a cut if I make him dance?"

"I'll give you fifty if you get him to kiss you," Leia replied.

"Done."

"Rey!" Ben protested.

"With tongue," Leia added.

"Mom!"

"Give me seventy-five and I'll throw in an ass grab," Rey said.

"Ooh, you drive a hard bargain," Leia replied. "Deal."

Rey grabbed Ben's hand and yanked him back towards the party. Leia decided she'd give her a hundred. For Han. She waited a few minutes before slipping back herself, and when she did, Ben and Rey were dancing, all wrapped up in each other, and her son was smiling.

"Pay up," she said, sidling up to Poe.

Grumbling, he handed her a fifty. "Unfair."

"I bet you a hundred and fifty credits that I get at least one grandbaby in the next decade."

"No offense, General, but I'm not taking that bet," Poe replied good naturedly. He squeezed her shoulder, then moved off toward Finn.

A few whoops came from the crowd, and Leia saw that Rey was living up to her promise and was kissing a red-cheeked Ben, with tongue, while reaching around to squeeze a handful of his butt. Grinning, Leia mentally began counting her earnings.

"Grandbabies," she said confidently, with a nod to herself, and went off to make some bets.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it, folks! The end of the road. It's been so much fun writing this fic and having you al laugh along with me so thank you for that, and for all your lovely, hilarious comments that absolutely make my day. You are the best. <3


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